The poem here on this post is one that I wrote in 1999, when I was 13 years old. As you can see, loneliness is something I have battled from early on. Many times, I enjoy the solitude and welcome my alone time as it’s a very comfortable place for me. But, there are also many times in my life where hard things have happened, and I wasn’t sure who to call. If you are struggling with loneliness, connection, or betrayal, this post might be for you.
Here are the questions I’m wrestling with: How important is friendship in the context of our lives? In the context of ministry? Do we really only need God? Why am I so lonely? Why is it so hard to connect with people on a deep level? What can I do to change this?
I am talking mostly about human friendships and relationships here. This blog post will most likely turn into a series because of the depth of wisdom that can be found on this topic. Friendship with God is another blog post that will come later. But, until then, here is what I found in my digging:
1) Jesus Was Lonely
Jesus was betrayed by someone he called an “intimate friend”. Judas. Betrayal is the ultimate loneliness because it comes from those closest to you. Someone you trusted/loved.
The disciples did as Jesus had instructed them, and they prepared the Passover meal. When evening came he took his place at the table and dined with the Twelve. While they were eating, Jesus spoke up and said, “One of you is about to betray me.” Feeling deeply hurt by these words, one after another asked him, “You don’t mean me, do you?” He answered, “It is one who has shared meals with me as an intimate friend. All that was prophesied of me will take place, but how miserable it will be for the one who betrays the Son of Man. It would be far better for him if he had never been born!”-Matthew 26:19-24 TPT
At that moment Judas, his once-trusted disciple, appeared, along with a large crowd of men armed with swords and clubs. They had been sent to arrest Jesus by order of the ruling priests and Jewish religious leaders. Now, Judas, the traitor, had arranged to give them a signal that would identify Jesus, for he had told them, “Jesus is the one whom I will kiss. So grab him!”Judas quickly stepped up to Jesus and said, “Shalom, Rabbi,” and he kissed him on both cheeks. “My beloved friend,” Jesus said, “is this why you’ve come?”
Then the armed men seized Jesus to arrest him.-Matthew 26:47-50 TPT
Literally, every single one of Jesus’s disciples betrayed him when it came time for his arrest and crucifixion. Every. Single. One. The ones that he ate with, slept next to, the ones he ministered alongside, the ones he discipled, the ones he prayed for, the ones he spent the most time with and called “friends'“. Not ONE of them stuck by him when it mattered most.
Along the way Jesus said to them, “Before the night is over, you will all desert me. This will fulfill the prophecy of the Scripture that says: I will strike down the shepherd and all the sheep will scatter far and wide! - Matthew 26:31 TPT
Then he walked a short distance away, and overcome with grief, he threw himself facedown on the ground and prayed, “My Father, if there is any way you can deliver me from this suffering, please take it from me. Yet what I want is not important, for I only desire to fulfill your plan for me.” Then an angel from heaven appeared to strengthen him.
Later, he came back to his three disciples and found them all sound asleep. He awakened Peter and said to him, “Do you lack the strength to stay awake with me for even just an hour? Keep alert and pray that you’ll be spared from this time of testing. You should have learned by now that your spirit is eager enough, but your humanity is weak.”-Matthew 26:39-41 TPT
Right before Jesus died on the cross he was crucified on, the ultimate loneliness: separation from God:
For three hours, beginning at noon, darkness came over the earth. And at three o’clock Jesus shouted with a mighty voice in Aramaic, “Eli, Eli, lema sabachthani?”—that is, “My God, My God, why have you deserted me?” -Matthew 27: 45-46 TPT
I honestly could go on and on about the loneliness that King David felt as a runaway, leader, murderer, worshipper, and King. I could go on and on about the loneliness of the prophets, particularly Jeremiah who was known as the “weeping prophet”. I could write about the loneliness Job felt when he was languishing in sickness and grief and his friends blamed him for it. I could go on about the betrayals that happened to our greatest leaders, but there will be another time and place for that. Better yet, dig into it yourself!
2) Battling Loneliness Will Take Leadership
Unfortunately, we are in an age where most of our communication is non-verbal AND non-physical. With texting and social media, we don’t often hear the tones of those we are talking to-eliminating a lot of the intimacy of voice-to-voice contact. On top of that, we don’t get to experience the body language of someone we are talking to when we communicate in those ways. Because of this, I do feel that our social awareness as a culture has digressed. We leave A LOT of room for assumption and dead spaces in communication often lead to disconnect. Disconnect leads to a dwindling in relationship. I can’t tell you the last time someone called me just to say “hi”. Can you? I can’t tell you the last time someone actually took time to visit me…just to be with me-with no agenda or meeting planned. Can you? Don’t ever underestimate the power of quality time.
What I’m getting at here is that battling loneliness is literally you versus our current culture. And just like any counter-culture, world-changing endeavor, it will take leadership. It will take stepping out, reaching out, and not just waiting for invitations to come. It will take a lot of grace on your part. A lot of forgiveness and patience for the lack of reciprocation you WILL feel in the beginning. Press through. Love anyway. Give your love and time anyway. Be a good friend anyway. The world needs leaders who will open up their lives, their homes, their arms, their smiles to their neighbors, colleagues, and peers. The world needs friends.
Action Step: Invite someone to do something with you without an agenda! Just be a good friend.
Love overlooks the mistakes of others, but dwelling on the failures of others devastates friendships.-Proverbs 17:9 TPT
Do your best to live as everybody’s friend. -Romans 12:18 TPT
3) People Are Not Disposable
People will hurt us. That is a simple fact of life. I haven’t met a single person in my life who hasn’t been hurt by another person. Unintentionally or intentionally, it happens. The problem is that oftentimes we adopt the idea that people are '“disposable”. We become self-focused on OUR needs and if someone else isn’t meeting our every expectation, we cut them off. Un-friend them. Then we become bitter, resentful, with unresolved conflict on one end of the friendship and confusion on the other. We don’t fight for our friendships. Now, this does not apply to anyone who is in an abusive or toxic relationship. This is about us throwing away relationships because of minor offenses or even misunderstandings. THIS is why we can’t find lasting friendships. We don’t fight anymore. In fact, I argue fighting is better. I wish we DID say what hurt us, I wish we DID confess that we may have been wrong. I wish we would STOP being passive aggressive on social media and more aggressive in our fight to get true understanding of one another. True, life-long friendships have their ups and downs. But, the commitment to the relationship will determine whether or not it will last.
Action step: Pray through which friendships you should fight for, and which friendships need to be released. If you feel the need to fight for a friendship that is hurting right now-take the time to be honest about what is hurting you, or confess the ways you may have been wrong. Argue if you have to.
A dear friend will love you no matter what, and a family sticks together through all kinds of trouble.-Proverbs 17:17 TPT
You can trust a friend who wounds you with his honesty, but your enemy’s pretended flattery comes from insincerity.-Proverbs 27:6 TPT
So never give up on a friend or abandon a friend of your father— for in the day of your brokenness you won’t have to run to a relative for help. A friend nearby is better than a relative far away.-Proverbs 27:10 TPT
4) Friendship is Pure Ministry
A lie we can be tempted to believe is that friendship is superfluous in ministry. Ministry is all about healing people, casting out demons, rescuing out of darkness, preaching, praying, prophesying-yes, but I will tell you something. Genuine friendship is one of the purest forms of ministry. Friendship is the way that Jesus ministers to us. It was the way he raised up his disciples as leaders:
It was the desire of Jesus to be intimate friends with us: For the greatest love of all is a love that sacrifices all. And this great love is demonstrated when a person sacrifices his life for his friends.-John 15:13 TPT
Wisdom says that friendship is good for the soul and brings in God’s presence: Sweet friendships refresh the soul and awaken our hearts with joy, for good friends are like the anointing oil that yields the fragrant incense of God’s presence.-Proverbs 27:9 TPT
Jesus reveals everything to his friends: “I have never called you ‘servants,’ because a master doesn’t confide in his servants, and servants don’t always understand what the master is doing. But I call you my most intimate friends, for I reveal to you everything that I’ve heard from my Father.”-John 15:15 TPT
Friendship offerred the intimacy Jesus needed to raise up his leaders: He appointed the Twelve, whom he named apostles. He wanted them to be continually at his side as his friends, and so that he could send them out to preach-Mark 3:14
This is not the last that I will be writing about friendship. The Bible offers so many jewels in the revelation of friendship. As I dig more into this, I will write more, but for now, leave your thoughts and comments below! I’d love to hear your thoughts on the subject!